


Voldemort's Retirement

by alexandeer



Series: Harry is Raised By Others Fics [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Albus Dumbledore Bashing, Albus Dumbledore Being an Idiot, Badass Lily Potter, Bossy Nagini, Crack Treated Seriously, Dates, Good Severus Snape, Haunting, Humor, I Don't Even Know, Interior Decorating, Lily's Ghost, M/M, McDonald's, Motherly Nagini, Nagini is Toms mom, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Protective Nagini, Random Updates, Sane Tom Riddle, Severitus | Severus Snape is Harry Potter's Parent, Severus Snape Has a Heart, The Sims, Tom Retired, Tom Riddle | Voldemort Adopts Harry Potter, Work In Progress, courting, questionable parenting, there is a goblin called tim, this fic is basically crack but taken seriously
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-15
Updated: 2019-03-10
Packaged: 2019-09-19 11:26:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 8,021
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17000715
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alexandeer/pseuds/alexandeer
Summary: After his snake has decided being a dark lord is bad for his health, Tom retired. When he sees Dumbledore drop off Harry on his neighbours's doorstep he decides to adopt the boy and manages to get himself a boyfriend in the process.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This just sort of... happened. I was getting ready for work but my muse decided this needed to be written. 
> 
> It's not beta'd and I literally wrote it this morning but I hope people enjoy it anyways :)

Contrary to what people believed, Lord Voldemort had not been vanquished at all. No he was very much alive and living in a neighbourhood in Surrey. He had planned it all, with his beloved snake Nagini. 

You see, Nagini was a bit of a mother hen to those she called her hatchlings. Her Tommy was her favourite hatchling of all and she had decided that all this Dark Lord business was much too dangerous and bad for his health. Clearly his blood pressure was too high and he often forgot to eat and sleep. Nagini couldn't allow it. No her hatchling had to be safe and protected. So she had ordered him to retire. 

After a lot of nagging and threatening, her Tommy had agreed. He had allowed the wizards to believe a small boy had vanquished him and had bought a house in Surrey, in a nice, mundane and quiet muggle neighbourhood. The peace and quiet did wonders for his health and he had become much calmer and saner now he actually slept and ate properly. 

What he did not expect was for the child they claimed vanquished him to be dumped on his neighbours’ doorstep by that horrid Dumbledore. Had his safe place been discovered? Or was the man meddling again? 

Tom decided he was not going to risk anything. He knew his neighbours were terrible enough at raising their own son and that magic would terrify most muggles. So he made sure no one was watching and took the child from the doorstep and into his home. He read the letter that was left with the small boy. It contained the usual lie about the boy killing him and him killing the little one’s parents. 

He had of course not killed the Potters nor attacked them. Nor had he ordered anyone to. No, Tom had been furniture shopping and several muggles had seen him. He had wanted to find a nice table for his new house, sadly that store had not had the right one. Unfortunate, really. 

He decided he would take the boy in and raise him knowing the truth. Yes that would be excellent. They would need to move of course. Tom knew just the place to raise a young boy. He was going to make sure this child grew up happy, without the manipulations Dumbledore's involvement usually meant. 

Nagini had already decided the child was her grand-hatchling, so Tom did not have much of a choice anyhow. There was no way his snake would let go of the boy now. 

Tom wondered what he should call his new child. He knew he should properly adopt him at the very least, though going to Gringotts would be tricky. The Goblins knew he had not died of course, he had had to make sure he would still have access to his money and the numerous precious things in his vaults. No the issue was that numerous wizards and witches could spot him and spread the word that his so called demise was a lie. He could not allow that. 

So Tom knew he would need help. But who to trust? Most of his followers would rejoice and spread word of his return immediately. That would mess with his retirement plans. No, most of them would be useless. 

Lucius perhaps? The man was certainly smart and a capable lawyer. But then again, he might tell his wife who might tell her sister and that would be a great disaster. Bellatrix was one of those people who drove him crazy. No, it could not be. 

Severus then? His potions master and crush. Nagini certainly would approve of the dark-haired man. Though Tom feared the young man would be angry, after all Tom was being blamed for his former best friend's death. He had to make sure Severus knew he had not actually done it. Perhaps he could court him then. Yes it would be perfect. 

He quickly wrote a letter, made sure to charm it so only his Severus could read it and asked him to come meet him in Surrey. 

He was still a little surprised Severus had actually come, even though he had hoped the man would. He was less surprised that Severus was aiming his wand at him. 

“You promised! You promised you wouldn't kill Lily.” Severus’s tone was accusatory and his eyes full of pain and betrayal. Tom could not blame him.

He smiled sadly, “I did not kill your friend. I don't know who did. I gave no such orders.” He shook his head, “I was furniture shopping, I faked my death. Twice actually.” Tom sighed. “Your friend was not to die, my house elf Ritzy and Nagini had already prepared a golem and were going to place it in my study when news of the attack reached them. I was in London, at one of those big muggle stores.” 

Severus looked at him in confusion, “But how? Why?” He asked. “And why do you have Lily's son then?” 

“The child was placed on my neighbours’ doorstep by Dumbledore with nothing but a letter to explain. I could not leave a child outside in the middle of November nor let another child be manipulated by Dumbledore.” Tom explained. “How can I prove to you I speak the truth, Severus?” He asked desperately.

“I-I, I just, I’m confused.” Severus looked at Harry and then at Tom. “Why did you fake your death and who else would murder Lily?” 

“I faked my death because Nagini wished for me to retire.” Tom said seriously. “You know how she gets.” He waved his hand a little and Nagini glared and hissed at him. “As for who murdered your friend? I don't know and I am sorry. It could be death eaters not following orders or it could be Dumbledore and his order, creating their own narrative.” He sighed deeply and stepped closer to Severus, “In any case I wish she was still alive. For you.” 

The usually controlled man was now crying and Tom wrapped his arms around him to comfort him. It broke his heart to see the man he loved hurt so deeply.

“I thought I had lost both of you and I did not know what to do.” He whispered, leaning into the embrace. 

“Stay with me, far from all those things that hurt you, my love.” Tom said. “I will adopt the boy, court you if you allow me and we will move far away from here.” 

“Yes, alright.” Severus said, “I will let you court me. It might not always be easy but… I believe you speak the truth. You have never lied to me before and you have never hurt me. Not even a crucio or any other spell, though I am not sure why. I trust you. For some reason I do, my lord.” He was trembling a little as he spoke. 

Tom pulled away from him and took his hand and placed a soft kiss on top of it. “You should probably call me Tom, if I am to court you.” He said gently and gave Severus a fond smile. 

Severus smiled back, a little hesitant still perhaps but with fondness too. It warmed Tom's heart in a way he did not know it could be warmed. 

  
  
  



	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope everyone likes this new chapter! Hopefully everyone who celebrates christmas had a good one <3

Severus knew of a backdoor into Gringotts. It required them apparating to Italy and taking a walk through a dark tunnel which frightened Harry and made him cry. After they had calmed the small child down the men continued on their way and reached a door. Severus said the correct password and they watched the door open. 

“Gringotts backdoor, at your service,” A goblin called Tim said, “For the usual fee of course.” He grinned and showed his teeth. “Where would you like to go?” 

Harry giggled and waved at the goblin and blew spit bubbles while Nagini was hanging around Tom’s neck and hissing contently. It gave her the perfect view of both her hatchlings. They were fragile things and needed watching. Her hatchling’s mate needed watching too, he was much too thin. 

“You can take the money from my vault,” Tom answered the goblin, “My name is Tom Marvolo Riddle. I need to see my account manager, but cannot be spotted by other wizards. It would completely ruin my retirement plans. 

Tim the goblin knew retired people usually spend a lot of money on nice trips around the world so decided it would be in his best interest and in the banks best interest to allow the man to talk to his account manager. The accounting goblins could give him good advice about how to manage his money and talk him out of silly purchases which would lead to the bank gaining more money eventually. It was all very important. 

Tim decided to ignore the baby with the scar, it was none of his business and really he didn’t like children. It was why he had become a backdoor operator. He let the wizards through the door to the right branch of Gringotts with a note to make sure they ended at right managers door and then closed the door behind them. He sat down, put his feet up and continued to read his novel about a wizarding boy who was nice to goblins. Goblin Fantasy writers sure knew how to come up with wild ideas.    
  


Tom, Severus and Harry walked up to the hidden service desk and Severus handed the note to the teller that sat behind the desk. The goblin was talking to himself in gobbledegook and then shouted for Ironclaw who happened to be Tom’s current account manager. The last one had an unfortunate mining accident involving a dragon, a gringotts cart and a shovel. It was all very messy. 

“Good evening, Mr Riddle and Mr Prince.” Ironclaw stated, “I am Mr. Riddle’s account manager, what is your business today? Here to report a marriage certificate or a birth.” He glanced at them and at the baby in Tom’s arms. 

“It’s a rather delicate matter,” Severus said and glanced around nervously. 

“Very well, follow me into my office.” Ironclaw said. “Griphook!” He shouted, “No disturbances unless it is a matter of life or death please!” 

“Of course.” Griphook the teller said and continued mumbling to himself.    
  


Tom and Severus sat down and Nagini moved herself to Severus’s lap while Tom continued to hold Harry. The toddler had fallen asleep and seemed to be very content. From what Tom knew about childcare, which regrettably wasn’t as much as he knew about the Dark Arts or torture methods, Harry was an easy, happy child. 

“So, Mr Riddle,” Ironclaw said, “why have you brought Mr Prince and Mr Potter here in the middle of the night through the Italy backdoor, which is the most hidden one of all?” 

“My last name is Snape,” Severus corrected, “I told Tom about the backdoor.” He said. 

Tom squeezed Severus’s hand and then said, “Severus indeed told me about that particular backdoor, as for why I have brought him and the child here is because I fear the old coot- my apologies Dumbledore- will try and manipulate them. He claims the child killed me, while I am quite obviously still alive, and that I killed the little imp’s parents. I was nowhere near them and heard of the news through my house elf Ritzy. I had moved into a very average, normal, mundane, muggle neighbourhood where apparently Mr. Potter’s aunt and uncle and their dreadful son live. I saw Dumbledore leave the boy on their doorstep with a letter.” 

“Dumbledore left a toddler who he claimed to be the saviour of the wizarding world on a doorstep in November?” Ironclaw asked, his eyes narrowing in anger. 

“Yes,” Tom confirmed, “Absolutely dreadful, even before I retired as a Dark Lord I wasn’t leaving children out in the cold. He could have been badly hurt, had I not seen the poor child. Dumbledore had noxed the entire street but my red eyes have the fortunate side effect of giving me perfect night vision. Something good that came with splitting my soul apart several times. The rest of the side effects were messy,” He waved his hand dismissively, “wouldn’t recommend it.” 

“On that we are in agreement,” Ironclaw said, “You have recovered all your soul pieces?” He asked. 

“There is still one in Hogwarts, Rowena Ravenclaw’s diadem, but as I am supposed to be death or at the very least vanquished I can’t just march in there and take it.” 

“Gringotts will handle it, for a fee.” Ironclaw replied. 

“Just take any fees needed for services today from my vaults.” Tom said, “Merlin knows I have plenty of galleons left, especially now I am no longer funding a war.” 

“Excellent, Mr Riddle. So what services do you need.” Ironclaw grinned. 

“I want to blood adopt Harry and change his name, but make sure to keep his current inheritance as well. He can have that when the time is right. I will need a new identity for myself and Severus, a new residence to move into that is somewhere safe and remote and a courting contract please.” Tom stated. 

Nagini hissed, “Find out why they call your mate Prince.” She said and closed her eyes. Her hatchling’s mate was a good resting place. 

“Oh yes,” Tom said, “My snake pointed out I must ask why you call Severus Prince instead of Snape.” 

“We’ll make sure to address all these matters, Mr Riddle and any others that might come up. I will need you all to take an inheritance test first, to prove you are who you say you are and I suspect it will clear up any confusions about Mr Prince’s last name.” He said happily. 

“Very well,” Tom agreed and Severus agreed too. 

Nagini opened her eyes again, “Tell your mate I want him to pet me.” She hissed at Tom. 

“Nagini would like you to pet her, I think she likes you.” Tom smiled at Severus. 

“I like him, he’s warm.” Nagini hissed. “You must take him as a mate.” 

“I like him too,” Tom hissed back, “and I am working on the mating.” 

“Good hatchling,” Nagini hissed happily as Severus began to pet her a little awkwardly. 

She closed her eyes once more and began to sleep. She figured they would be here for a while and that the goblins were able to handle these issues better than she could. It was the unfortunate part of being a snake, most people didn’t understand her orders but at least her Tommy did and hopefully her new grand-hatchling would too.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woop, new chapter! Hope everyone enjoys :D

The Goblins were happy to take care of Dumbledore and his Fried Chicken Soup. Perhaps a little too happy, but no one decided to comment on that. After all, why bother to complain about something that could only be beneficial to you? Only fools would do this.

Tom was elated, over the moon, he had his boys and his snake-mom. Plus the geriatric fashion disaster would be finished soon and there was nothing Tom had to do about it. Absolutely marvelous!

He wondered what kind of hobbies he should pick up, now that he wouldn’t be torturing anyone. Something that gave him the same kind of thrill. He had no idea what the average person did when they retired and most Dark Lords were either dead or imprisoned when they were finished with being an evil overlord… Perhaps he should visit an old people’s home. Yes, that was a perfect idea, he could just watch what a bunch of ancient, brittle muggles did all day and decide if any of their activities were pleasing to him. He had heard good things about playing bingo after all…

But first, he thought, he had to focus on business. Or rather his family and ensuring their safety. He could think about hobbies later, after he had made sure Severus and Harry were save from the old coot’s influence.

Tom and Severus decided to change their own identities first. Tom changed his name to Thomas Marvelous and Severus went with Sören Sneypa, both names which totally would never be figured out by anyone ever. Clearly. Obviously. Most assuredly.

Then they blood adopted Harry and changed his name to Harold Marvelous. The goblins ensured the little boy would still have access to the Potter vaults and anything else he could claim. They also added a million better wards to it so if anyone from the Order of Flying Chickens attempted to access it, they would literally be fried.

The bonding contract was very easy to handle, as Tom discovered Severus wanted the same things as he did. Especially now that Tom was no longer an evil, insane and ridiculous Dark Lord. Apparently, if Sevvie got his family and a potions lab and safety and Tom, he was happy with anything. Tom smiled at that, which even the Goblins found kind of terrifying. They thought they had perfected their creepy smiles...


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been binging the great interior design challenge the past few days and it very much inspired this chapter hehe
> 
> Big thanks to Lizzie for pointing out I had forgotten to address about Severus's last name! And the bit about certain Gryffindors was inspired by a conversation I had with Trickster! :D

It was finally time to address their last few concerns, little Harry was getting sleepy and yawning now and then. Sometimes he hissed a little and Tom found it the most adorable thing in the world. His little heir was a parselmouth as well and he hissed the cutest things, like vanquishing the colour purple. Best child ever!

First they asked why the Goblins called Severus, Prince. As far as Severus knew his grandparents had disowned him and his mother, so he had always used the last name Snape. Apparently things were a bit more complicated, because the Goblins never made mistakes.

 

Once upon a time a group of Gryffindors whose names rhyme with Slack, Snettigrew and Snotter, insulted the Goblins by accusing them of making mistakes while they were waiting to get into their vaults. You see, one of them had been disowned by his family but still attempted to access their money. He clearly wasn’t allowed to enter and the Goblins knew this, yet he accused them of theft, foolishness and said they were making a HUGE MISTAKE. They didn’t take kindly to this and threw the three out of their bank and declared Slack an enemy of their kind. It was the first time they had done so since 1817 and had only done so again once since. Though they were proud warriors, declaring people your enemies was terribly bad for business and so they did not do so often.

 

So them calling Severus Prince instead of Snape was definitely not a mistake. They realised the man was uninformed of his grandparents will and his inheritance, which was quite large. Something that needed to be rectified immediately!

While Eileen Snape née Prince had been disinherited by her parents, though not because she married a muggle but because she refused to keep her last name, her son had not been. In fact, Severus’s grandfather had helped pay for his schooling and had discreetly guided several Potion Masters on Severus’s path. Even though Eileen did not allow him to spend time with his dear grandson, he cared for him a lot and wrote in his will that Severus would receive every single property and every last knut the man had.

The Goblins had send the young Severus a letter to inform them of this. While they thought it odd, he never replied, they didn’t press further because sometimes Wizards were just fucking weird and didn’t reply to important messages. They now discovered he had not replied because there was a redirect on his mail at the time, going to one Albus a-ridiculous-amount-of-names-seriously-some-royals-have-less-names-than-him Dumbledore.

Severus was now a multi-millionaire and even better, his grandparents had not hated him because of his good-for-nothing father. This day just kept getting better!

 

Then it was time to choose a property. the Goblins had a book filled with properties that were for sale, all they had to do was tap the picture with their wands and it would be theirs.For a large sum of money, of course, because they Goblins wouldn't give anyone something for free. Not even to the newly appointed winner of the creepiest smile award.

After choosing a property to love in Severus and Tom decided to head to their new home. Severus held a still sleeping Nagini who sounded as though she was snoring while Tom held their son, who was sleeping as well and drooling on Tom's shirt.

When they arrived at their new property, Tom called his head house elf Ritzy and asked her to help decorate. He informed her they would at least need some nice beds to sleep in for now and that they could arrange for other items later.

 

Ritzy was ecstatic about the job she had been appointed. Though she was proud to serve her master and his family, she had always dreamed of being an interior designer. Now was finally the time to make her dreams come true!

She arranged for beds for her master and his family and told them to go to sleep. Master's mother-snake the great and powerful Nagini agreed with her and ordered them to take naps. She threatened to show her Tommy's baby photos to journalists if they did not comply. No one dared to point out Nagini did not have such pictures. It was a very sore subject for her, that her sweet little hatchling had not always lived with her. Those filthy humans had harmed her precious baby! She wanted to eat all of them and make them suffer, horrendously.

After her master and his beloved family went to bed, Ritzy decided to get started on her designs for the house. She made a mood-board and picked out some of her favourite colours, which were bright yellow, hot pink, orange and turquoise. It was going to be perfect! Master Voldy wouldn't know what he saw next morning when he woke and saw the whole house had been decorated. She would make him so happy, he might cry a little bit!

Ritzy decided to start with the kitchen and painted every cabinet turquoise, then she selected a fluffy pink rug and an orange fruit bowl with red and white polka dots. She placed a dining set which she found in a thrift shop she neatly placed the money on the store’s counter and left a note with it because she wasn’t some kind of peasant who stole. She often heard her master say he wasn’t some kind of peasant and she quite liked the line, although she wasn’t sure what it meant precisely.

After putting a bright yellow tablecloth on the new dining set, she went to the Potions Lab. She made sure everything became various shades of pink and installed a smoke alarm because she did not want her master’s boyfriend to accidentally die. She wanted him to cry happy tears after all, not sad ones!

Then she went to the living room and decided to place beanbags in the colours of the rainbow. Those would be comfortable and she just knew everyone was excited about that as she was. She placed pictures of her master and his family around the room, including the one she had taken while he was sneezing.

At last, it was time for the bedrooms. She placed a big pink heart in her master’s bedroom that said Severus. Because the best way to wake up was to be reminded of those you love. Every house elf and interior designer knew this.

In Severus’s bedroom she replaced all his clothing with happy colours and painted the walls orange. She hung up pink glittery curtains and put in a mirror that told everyone who looked into how sexy they are.

Then she did the nursery where Harry was happily asleep. She painted it green and put on charmed snakes and other animals on the walls that moved and talked. Then she painted the ceiling blue and put on orange stars in the forms of different constellations.

After working all night, Ritzy was a little tired but very pleased with herself. She decided to make a lovely breakfast, that would make her master even happier when he woke up.

Even if he screamed a little when he woke, Ritzy figured it was because he was so excited he couldn’t contain it anymore. The house truly was a masterpiece. 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to leave feedback! Happy reading :D

After discovering Ritzy’s horrifyingly, ridiculously fluffy design, Tom felt the need to check his house elf wasn’t secretly Dumbledore in disguise. He was reassured when he found out she was simply an amateur interior designer. Severus ended up buying the house elf books on interior design, which made the devoted house elf weep with joy. 

With the input of Severus and Tom, the house looked less like the lair of a possessed clown and more like a habitable, muggle-appropriate, home. It was now much calmer and neutral looking, with only slight pops of colour rather than a rainbow explosion. Both men were quite pleased with the result. 

Tom then decided it was time to seek a hobby of his own, while Severus brewed some essential household potions. He put Harry in a pram and decided to visit the nearby town. It had some nice shops where Tom thought he might be able to find some courting gifts for Severus. But first he decided to visit the nursing home the town also had. 

He lied just a little bit, which he couldn’t bring himself to feel bad about, and said he was visiting Harry’s grandparents. They of course didn’t live there. In fact they were quite dead but the staff needn’t know that. He might even be doing those sad looking, largely toothless, muggles a favour! He was the best damn thing they would ever see, he worked out you know and it had taken a lot of effort to achieve his current look. Plus he had brought the cutest child in the world with him. 

The first activity he tried was Bingo. He may or may not have thrown all the little balls around the room when someone else won. He obliviated the muggles, blamed an elderly person and decided the activity wasn’t suitable for him. Perhaps if he could guarantee he would win, then he could potentially enjoy it. He absolutely hated losing. He was glad he had stopped with the whole war business because it would have been very upsetting to lose. 

Then he tried playing chess, which appeared to be more complicated when you couldn’t converse with your chess pieces. A bright green light filled the room which Voldemort obviously had absolutely nothing to do with. If he rushed out, it was simply because he and his son and other, more urgent, matters to attend to. Clearly some of these elderly people just had some seriously nefarious plans.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lily appeared and wouldn't leave my muse alone so here she is! And my my, she is not pleased with certain people. 
> 
> I hope people enjoy this chapter! I really enjoy writing this story so :)

Tom looked at Harry seriously, “We have to find the perfect gift for Severus.” He said. 

Harry cocked his head, giggled and said, “Blah.” 

“I am glad you agree with me, my little snake.” Tom smiled. Four babies and two women in the shop began to cry at the sight. One of them even fainted. 

After walking through the shop for an hour, Tom decided everything was of substandard quality and none of it was excellent enough for the love of his life. Sulking, he started to walk back to their home. 

 

When Severus learned of the incidents Tom had caused on his trip, he was not pleased. He ordered Tom to sleep on the couch that night, before remembering they didn’t even share a bed yet. Still, it was the thought that counted and Tom didn’t dare to disobey. 

 

Nagini found him lying on the sofa, which luckily they had purchased, and laughed at him. Then she asked what kind of ridiculous stunt he had pulled to end up on the sofa already. 

Of course once the snake discovered what her hatchling had done, she was not amused. No not at all. Foolish children, she grumbled, never using their brains always endangering themselves. 

She scolded her Tommy and grounded him for a month. She hoped he would learn to stop throwing temper tantrums but she knew some hatchlings found this hard. She slithered away and thought of others things she would teach her humans. 

 

Tom was about to fall asleep, which was hard because the couch was seriously uncomfortable and the only reason he did not set it on fire was because Severus would be even more upset with him. 

Plus he really didn't want his snake to ground him again. It was good he was no longer Dark Lording because it would have been seriously embarrassing to cancel appointments because his snake/mother had forbidden him from leaving the house. Again. He was 70 for merlin's sake! Of course he did not look 70. He did work out, know? If working out meant performing a series of complex rituals and charms that allowed him to be forever young. 

So, moments before our not-actually-young Dark Lord fell asleep he heard a voice. 

“Yo, what's up?” The voice asked. 

Definitely not Severus or Nagini… which lead to him wondering how in the name of all that is magical they got through his wards?! 

“I'm Lily, thanks for not killing me. Of course I am still pretty dead but at least you didn't do it.” The voice, Lily, sounded almost cheerful? 

Tom blinked a few times and saw the ghost swaying around in front of him, “Severus's Lily?” He asked. 

“Yeah,” Lily said, “I'm not here to haunt either of you and believe me I am gonna haunt certain people until they lose their fucking minds. I’m just here to check on my baby.” She smiled. 

“That's… wow.” Tom was shocked. “Aren't you supposed to hate me?”

“Mehh,” Ghost Lily shrugged, “I don't particularly like you, I just have a massive shit-list right now and you are somewhere near the bottom so.” She waved her hand dismissively. 

 

They soon discovered Lily planned to stick around, preferably for eternity, and she was really here to cause some trouble. And Lily was angry, really angry. And, truly can you blame her, after all she did get murdered?! 

Severus knew an angry Lily was a fucking terrifying Lily, especially when she wanted revenge. He was just glad her anger wasn't focused on him but on a lot of other people. He valued his life, sort of. 

 

During the last Wizengamot session of the year, the day before Yule, Lily had flown in with a bag of glitter she had gotten from Peeves who had stolen it from a craft shop. 

“Hello, ancient cretins!” She shouted, holding her glitter up. 

Everyone began to whisper. Was that the ghost of Lily Potter? That one muggleborn? Harry Potter’s mum? That redhead, no not a Weasley, that married James? 

“Yes, it's me, Lily and I came here to bring some very important news. Absolutely vital, can't move on to the afterlife without saying it, I simply must share it with you all,” She took a dramatic pause and glared at Dumbledore who was oddly subdued, “Albus Cant-Bother-With-All-Those-Names Dumbledore, is a manipulative old bastard and a fucking idiot.” 

She threw glitter around the room and flew away when the bag was empty

“Bye bye bitches!” Lily grinned as she left the room.

 

**Summer, 3049**

 

A small girl was listening to her grandfather explain about the Wizengamot when she spotted specks of glitter scattered around the room.

“Excuse me, grandfather, why is there glitter here?” She asked curiously. 

Her grandfather smiled, “A long long time ago, on what we now call Lily Day, a woman called Lily Potter appeared in all her ghostly glory to renounce Dark Lord Dumbledore and threw glitter. Of course this glitter is impossible to remove because it is made by demons. Fucking assholes.” The old man said. 

“All very true,” Lily appeared suddenly, startling the man and his granddaughter a little, “Except I went by Lily Evans, not Potter. I kept my maiden name, feminism and all that my dudes. Seriously everyone gets that wrong, I blame that asshole Albus Bumblebee.” She grinned, “Lily, from Lily's Ghostly Games at your service. I haunt corrupt politicians and asshole relatives.” 

“Can you haunt our old racist uncle Steve? He sucks.” The small girl asked. 

“Of course, of course,” Lily said, grinning wickedly, “It will be my pleasure.” 

 

**Back in 1981**

“I demand you carry me hatchling,” Nagini hissed, “I am your mother.” 

“Fineeeeeeeeee,” Tom hissed back dramatically and picked up the giant fucking snake. The things you do for family, honestly.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally another update!
> 
> Technically the Sims didn't exist yet, but I thought Tom (and Lily) would enjoy it haha. Also I play a lot of the Sims so :)

Severus had returned from his trip to the grocery shop with Harry. Shopping with a toddler had proved to be a trial, not because Harry misbehaved but because he kept being stopped by people to take a look at the little imp. He had assumed that being in the Muggle world, they could avoid this unnecessary gawking but he had clearly been mistaken. 

Usually Tom and Lily greeted them once they came home, but the living room and kitchen were both empty. Severus frowned and Harry looked like he was about to cry. 

“Daddy, mummy?” Harry’s bottom lip started to quiver. “Naggy?” 

Severus hugged his son closely to his chest, “We’ll find them, my little snake.” He assured his son and… well himself too. He pushed away his worries behind his occlumency shields and started to look around the house. 

Then he heard shouting from Tom’s office and rushed in panicking. What if Dumbledore or his mindless minions had found them? He couldn’t cope with losing Tom. Thinking he had lost him and Lily before had nearly destroyed him and he had grown to love the Dark Lord even more now. 

To his relief, and confusion, Tom and Lily were fine. Kind of. They had managed to find a computer and make it work without electricity. Usually magic destroyed any sort of electric device which is why wizards lived as though they were in the 1800s still. Of course, if anyone could make it work it would be Tom and Lily. 

 

Tom and Lily were playing a game, with Nagini making the occasional comment too. The snake was annoyed she could not eat what Lily called a mouse. She always ate mice. The little pests. How dare this ghost deny her her snacks?! She needed to be a strong snake to raise her hatchlings. 

Lily had found, okay stolen, the computer and set it up in Tom’s office. She had heard of a game called The Sims. It had great representation for Ghosts which was great because most media misrepresented them. They were just misunderstood, really. 

Tom liked the game because he got to drown people and kill them in other creative ways. After his retirement he sometimes missed torturing people and killing people who gave him headaches. He was reformed now, of course, so that meant he had to fulfil his cravings in different ways. 

Tom and Lily disagreed a little about the most effective ways to kill Sims. While Tom liked the pool method a lot, it was fun to watch them struggle and die slowly, Lily favored fires. They had not realised how long they had been arguing and how loud they had been screaming when Severus rushed in with a worried look. 

“Sev,” Tom exclaimed and pulled his potions master closer, “and our little angel.” He smiled and kissed the top of Harry’s head and then pressed a kiss to Severus’s lips. “Sorry we worried you, didn’t we?” 

“My mind immediately went to the worst case scenario.” Severus admitted, “Perhaps we should have some of your followers nearby… I am just terrified of losing you or Harry.” He sighed. 

Tom kissed his lover again, “How about I contact the Malfoys and make them vow not to tell Narcissa’s nutty sister?” He asked. 

“That would be…good.” Severus said, “Harry and I bought that chocolate you like.” 

After thanking Severus and kissing him once more, Tom went back to gaming with Lily. They, with Nagini’s encouragement, opted to kill the Sims in every possible way. It was very satisfying. They may have made a Sim that looked just like Dumbledore, possibly. And he may have been killed in various painful ways.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New chapter, hope people like it! No shade to McDonalds, God knows I go there often enough myself hehe

Tom decided he should take his boyfriend on a date. After all if he wanted to woo the beautiful, smart man that had stolen his heart, he needed to try his hardest. He thought Severus loved him too but one always had to make sure, just in case. Especially when it came to confusing emotions like love and happiness. 

So for his date he had asked Lily for help. She had been friends with his Sev so she would know what kind of things his precious liked. He wanted to take him to a restaurant and as he didn’t know any yet, he went with Lily’s suggestion. Apparently she and Severus used to go there when they were kids, so she was sure the man would like it. 

 

Severus was nervous for his date. He had no idea what Tom had planned, Lily had attempted to calm him a little by telling him she had helped Tom but this just made him more nervous. Lily had very different ideas about dates than the average person did. She had once taken a date to a morgue and been confused about why he didn’t enjoy the experience. Though he hated to admit it, James had been a good match for Lily in that aspect. They both liked weird things. 

James once took Lily on a date to a Niffler den. The creatures had taken all their belongings and the couple had absolutely loved it. Lily had wanted to adopt one of the creatures but her parents destroyed that idea when the animal took one of Petunia’s earrings and they had to deal with her annoying wailing. Dudley Dursley clearly took after his mother in that regard. 

 

“Severus, my love,” Tom said, “We have been courting for 6 months now and I felt like it would be appropriate for us to go to a restaurant. I asked Lily about your likes and dislikes and she mentioned a restaurant you enjoyed visiting as a child.” He took Severus’s hand and kissed it gently, “Allow me to take you there?” 

Severus smiled, “You are allowed.” He said. Whatever silliness Tom had planned, he did make an effort and it made Severus feel special and loved. 

 

Severus hid his surprise and laughter when he discovered the restaurant Tom was taking him to was McDonalds. While he had certainly enjoyed going there with Lily when they were kids, it wasn’t his idea of a perfect date location. He didn’t wish to hurt Tom’s feelings, though, so he just thanked his future husband. He could tell Tom was nervous about the whole thing already.

“Thank you, Tom.” Severus said and kissed his lover. 

“You are happy then?” Tom asked, “I tried, but the only people I could ask for advice where a ghost, a snake and a toddler.” He said awkwardly. 

“I love it and I love you. I am always happy when I am with you.” Severus reassured the former dark lord and kissed his lips. “Let’s go inside.” He said and took Tom’s hand. 

They ordered happy meals and kept the toys for when Harry was a little older. They sat in the back of the restaurant which was a little bit quieter. Some teenagers walked by and complimented Tom on his contacts, not realising his eyes were actually red. Tom was very pleased with the praise, he was a little insecure about his eyes. Not that he would ever admit such weaknesses. 

They chatted about several subjects, of course making sure they were appropriate to talk about around muggles. Mostly they discussed their son and how adorable he was. After a little while they realised they missed the little imp and decided to cut their date short and go home. 

Tom stopped before entering the house and kissed his boyfriend passionately, “Please spend the night in my rooms?” He asked. 

“I would love to.” Severus replied and pressed their lips together again. They would never spend a night apart again.


	9. Chapter 9

Narcissa and Lucius had finally received their Lord’s location after a lot of vows and after Narcissa had bribed the man with his favourite cookies. It was a known fact that several Death Eaters had joined the dark side for Lady Malfoy’s cookies, they were just that good. 

“Cookie lady and her mate are here,” Nagini hissed to her hatchling, “I smell her cookies too and a hatchling. Did you bring me a new hatchling?” The snake said excitedly. 

Tom sighed, “The hatchling belongs to Narcissa, Nagini, but you can have cookies.” He told his snake. 

“Of course I can have cookies, I am your mother, young man.” Nagini sounded affronted and started to hiss about silly hatchlings telling their mothers what to do. She stole a cookie, licked Narcissa’s son and Harry and slithered away. 

“My apologies Lady Malfoy,” Tom said, “My snake is upset because your child is not hers.” 

“Tell her she can be his honorary grandmother, should she desire the position.” Narcissa smiled, quite used to Nagini’s and Tom’s antics. “I brought you cookies.” She said gently before turning to Severus, “You, young brother, why did you not inform me of your whereabouts. Worrying me like that, preposterous.” She glared at him. Then she hugged her friend tightly, “As for your punishment, you are accompanying me and Lucius on our next shopping trip.” She smirked. 

“Sorry, Cissa.” Severus said softly, “Everything happened very quickly and I could not risk Tom or our son.” He explained. 

Narcissa’s look softened, “I get it, I would do the same for my family.” She smiled. 

 

Meanwhile the two toddlers were playing together and the floor. Harry had summoned his toys with accidental magic because the adults were taking waaaayyyy to long to pay him attention and he wanted to show Draco his cool toys. He had decided Draco was his friend now and Draco would just have to deal with it. 

Draco didn’t mind Harry deciding they were friends. Draco never had a friend before, he only knew his mummy and daddy and his personal house-elf Fristy. He liked having a friend and Harry had awesome toys too, just like he had at the manor. 

“We best fwiends.” Draco said and held out his tiny hand. 

Harry shook his hand, “We best fwiends.” He said and looked pleased. “You meet my mummy now.” He decided, “LILY MUM,” The little boy yelled and soon his ghost-mother appeared. 

“Hello sweetheart,” Lily smiled widely, “and you have a new friend I see. Did Nagini steal him yet?” 

“Daddy told her not to so she is sad now.” Harry hissed. 

“English, darling.” Lily reminded him, “or your little friend won’t understand.” 

“Nagini sad cause Daddy said Draco no her hatchling.” Harry said, “Why no one speak snakey-tongue?” He asked. 

Tom and the others had appeared next to the toddlers and the ghost. 

“Only descendants of Salazar Slytherin speak Parseltongue,” Tom explained, “When we adopted you, you became his descendant too and,” The man smiled, “I believe your mother may have been his descendant too, but her abilities remained dormant.” 

“Cool!” Harry said excitedly, but then his face dropped, “But I want Draco to speak snakey-tongue.” He pouted. 

Never being able to deny his son anything, Tom promised him they would research ways to teach a none speaker parseltongue. Harry was very pleased with the information. 

 

After the boys had gone to bed, the adults were having drinks together in one of the reception rooms. Tom accidentally, but not entirely, let it slip to Narcissa and Lucius that he was intending to ask Severus to marry him a little sooner than planned. 

Narcissa was looking forward to planning their bonding ceremony and was excited to have an excuse to go shopping again and to drag Severus and her lord with her. She was making a mental list of colour schemes that would work. 

Meanwhile Lucius took Severus to the kitchen to talk, they didn’t notice Tom had followed them. He trusted his Severus but was scared Lucius might try to steal him as silly as he knew it was. 

“You are sure you want to be with him?” Lucius asked and Tom fought back a growl. 

“Yes, Luc,” Severus’s face lit up, “He’s everything I ever wanted. He’s… he’s so sweet to me and thoughtful and I love him. Back when he had lost his mind, I still cared for him but thought it would never be. To have him now is a gift, he is the greatest gift in the world.” 

“No you are,” Tom said, coming out of hiding, “I wouldn’t be who I am today if it wasn’t for my family, for my love.” He smiled and kissed his boyfriend. He pulled Severus to their bedroom, not caring they still had guests. Lily could entertain them, he figured. 

 

“Oh Lucious, you should spend the night,” Lily grinned and wagged her eyebrows suggestively, “The boys will be very busy, so you might as well take advantage of the beds. They are very soft and bouncy.” She said before floating away to check on her son. 

 

Lucius and Narcissa were glad the knew how to conjure earplugs...


	10. Chapter 10

Severus Snape realised dating a former Dark Lord and raising a child with him was very exhausting. Great, magnificent and special but so very exhausting. Having your ghostly bestie around and your mother-in-law who happens to be a snake definitely doesn’t help matters.

 

Upon dying Lily had definitely lost a few marbles, which considering the circumstances was to be expected but meant dealing with her needed to be done delicately, lest she explode and dye all of Severus’s clothes bright pink again. Tom’s house-elf and Lily had the same sense of fashion, regrettably it was absolutely ghastly and hurt Severus’s eyes.

 

Nagini was a great mother, something which Severus never thought he would say. Definitely not about his boyfriend’s snake. The only issue was that she sometimes assumed humans worked the exact same as snake hatchlings. Which led to odd situations, like Harry wanting to eat mice.

“Mice aren’t human food, Harry.” Severus explained calmly.

Harry frowned, “But gran’ma naggy say good hatchlings eat mice so they grow big an’ strong.” He pouted a little. He really wanted to be big and strong!

“That is true for snake hatchlings, but you are a human hatchling. Humans eat their peas to grow big and strong.” Severus replied.

Harry thought about it for a second, “Peas are icky,” He made a face, “But if I get big an’ strong I must eat the peas.” He stated and then demanded Severus bring him some.

 

Severus loved Tom with all his heart and soul and couldn’t wait to be bonded with him. Though, at times the old, slightly less sane, Tom appeared. Which meant Severus had to go into lecturing mode at times and convince him to not do silly, dangerous or deranged things rather than make out. Inconvenient, really, but worth it when he did get to just be his boyfriend again.

“I think I should open up a funeral home,” Tom said suddenly. They were in bed and Tom had his arms around Severus.

“And?” Severus asked, “You will provide the bodies yourself?” His tone was part sarcasm, part genuine worry.

Tom considered it for a moment.

“No. No dead bodies.” Severus said when his boyfriend took too long to answer.

“But I’m a Dark Lord.” Tom pouted.

“You retired, love.” Severus sighed.

“Well Nagini made me,” Tom was still pouting.

“So, you best not upset your dear mother by doing Dark Lord-like things again, correct?” Severus asked.

“Fine,” Tom said reluctantly. “Let’s make out instead.”

 

Severus was never opposed to making out. Especially because Tom was so damn talented at it. His life might be exhausting but he wouldn’t change a thing.


End file.
